Sauntering Vaguely Downward

The Future Is Fantastic and Wonderful and Technology Makes Everything 1000000x Better

The proof: Our car. There is nothing I don’t love about this thing. I get it, start it up, and it detects my phone and start playing my music from Spotify. I brake, and it’s like, “Stupid human with your slow reflexes. Get out the way, I’ll handle this. Stopping NOW.” I press the accelerator and it’s like, “AHOY! YES! WE GO!” Even with all that power, it’s quiet, not smelly, and gets an outrageous number of miles out of a full tank of petrol. Claudia: you are the reason I no longer hate driving. I hope you last at least eight years, and after that, I promise we will replace you with an even more amazingly autonomous version of you.

( Me and my girl Claudia )

The Future Is Terrible and We’re All Going To Die Alone Upside Down on the Floor of a Pub Toilet

The proof: Music. I was in the changing room at the gym and they were playing the usual pop du jour. I normally block it out, but today for some reason I started listening to it.

The lyrics went as follows: “I swipe right ‘cause I see just what I like/Baby, I tap twice for you/Cause we're living in a new age/It's called digital”, etc. And because the changing room was empty I shouted, ”Oh my god it’s a song about Tinder and I hate it and that means I’m OLD.”

My only comfort is that that song is not going to age well.