![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
At my last visit to the midwife, she waxed lyrical over my assertion that I plan to breastfeed Keiki as I did Humuhumu for the first six months, tapering off once I went back to work and switching to the bottle. I found myself getting deeply uncomfortable as she carried on talking and became more obviously comfortable extolling the benefits of breastfeeding over bottle-feeding. I distinctly felt as though she were trying to make me feel somehow superior to someone who replied, “No, I plan to bottle-feed from the start,” and I did not enjoy the experience.
It reminded me of the NCT* classes we took before Humuhumu was born two years ago. We have made some good local friends from the classes, so overall I was pleased with the outcome, but there was one portion of it that I loathed: the breastfeeding session. It was held on a Tuesday evening, and we sat for 2.5 hours listening to a woman bang on about the gloriousness of breastfeeding. When we asked if any information about bottle-feeding was to be presented, she reacted not quite with horror, but certainly with disapproval, and ultimately refusal.
Of the eight sets of parents in that NCT group, two of us ended up breastfeeding our babies. (One very determined mother couldn’t get her baby to latch, but she pumped milk for five and a half months, every four hours, and bottle-fed her little girl. I don’t like to imagine how exhausting that must have been.) All the rest ended up bottle-feeding, and found it their stress levels elevated because of the lack of information and encouragement given in our classes. In my opinion, everyone in our class should have been given a checklist of the size and number of bottles that would be needed, the type of teats to use, sterilisation techniques and a quick tutorial on measuring and mixing formula. Figuring all that out on the fly when the need became immediate was terrible for the new mums in my group, especially the ones who had difficult births and were very unwell in the early days.
I am not a big fan of using ignorance, scorn and guilt as tactics to force people into a certain course of action. I consider this to be pretty clear (albeit anecdotal) evidence of why that doesn’t work.
My own experience with breastfeeding was not all sunshine and roses. The first two weeks were a nightmare. Humuhumu didn’t know how to latch properly at first and the damage her little mouth did in the first few days took some time to heal. I was in excruciating pain. I very nearly gave up and switched to bottle-feeding until I discovered Lansinoh (lanolin cream). It became easier after I’d healed, but it is still no picnic being the one who has to wake up at least twice a night for weeks in order to feed the baby, with no help from your partner**. Nor is it fun working out how to breastfeed in public. It takes practise to do it discreetly, and even if you are nicely covered you still get people glaring at you. Because despite the pressure to breastfeed because of its benefits (most of which are both temporary and slight), no one actually wants to see a woman doing it, so we should all stay at home until our children are weaned. Slow-clap for society on that one.
I was also absurdly lucky in that Humuhumu began to sleep through the night at two months. (I tend to keep this fact to myself, as it often elicits disbelief and rage from other new parents.)
There are enough pressures on new parents to do exactly the right things for their children in order to raise them in the best and healthiest manner possible. I’m tired of seeing people judge one another for their choice of breast v bottle. Judgy person, you have no idea why a mother at the cafe is bottle-feeding her child instead of breastfeeding. Maybe that’s pumped breast milk because her nipples are really sore. Maybe her newborn was tongue-tied and couldn’t latch. Maybe she went three continuous weeks without more than an hour of sleep a night. Maybe she’s on medication that enters her bloodstream and could be harmful to the baby. Maybe she had to go back to work as soon as possible to support her new family. Maybe her boobs blew off in a typhoon. Maybe it’s none of your damned business.
* National Childbirth Trust, which offers classes for clueless middle-class career people in how to look after an infant after a couple of decades of selfishness. They don’t advertise that way but that’s effectively what they are.
** I hasten to point out that this is not necessarily because Partner is unwilling to help, but because it makes more sense for Partner to get some sleep and be able to take care of things like cooking and cleaning and holding down their job.
It reminded me of the NCT* classes we took before Humuhumu was born two years ago. We have made some good local friends from the classes, so overall I was pleased with the outcome, but there was one portion of it that I loathed: the breastfeeding session. It was held on a Tuesday evening, and we sat for 2.5 hours listening to a woman bang on about the gloriousness of breastfeeding. When we asked if any information about bottle-feeding was to be presented, she reacted not quite with horror, but certainly with disapproval, and ultimately refusal.
Of the eight sets of parents in that NCT group, two of us ended up breastfeeding our babies. (One very determined mother couldn’t get her baby to latch, but she pumped milk for five and a half months, every four hours, and bottle-fed her little girl. I don’t like to imagine how exhausting that must have been.) All the rest ended up bottle-feeding, and found it their stress levels elevated because of the lack of information and encouragement given in our classes. In my opinion, everyone in our class should have been given a checklist of the size and number of bottles that would be needed, the type of teats to use, sterilisation techniques and a quick tutorial on measuring and mixing formula. Figuring all that out on the fly when the need became immediate was terrible for the new mums in my group, especially the ones who had difficult births and were very unwell in the early days.
I am not a big fan of using ignorance, scorn and guilt as tactics to force people into a certain course of action. I consider this to be pretty clear (albeit anecdotal) evidence of why that doesn’t work.
My own experience with breastfeeding was not all sunshine and roses. The first two weeks were a nightmare. Humuhumu didn’t know how to latch properly at first and the damage her little mouth did in the first few days took some time to heal. I was in excruciating pain. I very nearly gave up and switched to bottle-feeding until I discovered Lansinoh (lanolin cream). It became easier after I’d healed, but it is still no picnic being the one who has to wake up at least twice a night for weeks in order to feed the baby, with no help from your partner**. Nor is it fun working out how to breastfeed in public. It takes practise to do it discreetly, and even if you are nicely covered you still get people glaring at you. Because despite the pressure to breastfeed because of its benefits (most of which are both temporary and slight), no one actually wants to see a woman doing it, so we should all stay at home until our children are weaned. Slow-clap for society on that one.
I was also absurdly lucky in that Humuhumu began to sleep through the night at two months. (I tend to keep this fact to myself, as it often elicits disbelief and rage from other new parents.)
There are enough pressures on new parents to do exactly the right things for their children in order to raise them in the best and healthiest manner possible. I’m tired of seeing people judge one another for their choice of breast v bottle. Judgy person, you have no idea why a mother at the cafe is bottle-feeding her child instead of breastfeeding. Maybe that’s pumped breast milk because her nipples are really sore. Maybe her newborn was tongue-tied and couldn’t latch. Maybe she went three continuous weeks without more than an hour of sleep a night. Maybe she’s on medication that enters her bloodstream and could be harmful to the baby. Maybe she had to go back to work as soon as possible to support her new family. Maybe her boobs blew off in a typhoon. Maybe it’s none of your damned business.
* National Childbirth Trust, which offers classes for clueless middle-class career people in how to look after an infant after a couple of decades of selfishness. They don’t advertise that way but that’s effectively what they are.
** I hasten to point out that this is not necessarily because Partner is unwilling to help, but because it makes more sense for Partner to get some sleep and be able to take care of things like cooking and cleaning and holding down their job.
tags:
From:
no subject
Whatever's best for the person doing the feeding and no one else's damn business at all, just like breastfeeding in public it should be seen as beautiful not something to make narrow minded bigots go ewwwwww!
From:
no subject
As she put it, they'd have had a better chance of getting her husband to breastfeed.
It's a horrible, shitty attitude to have, not just because there are many good reasons why a mother may not breastfeed, but also because the last thing you need just after giving birth is to be made to feel a failure.
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
Tina kept going long enough to pass the useful antibodies across (and in truth a couple of weeks is enough to do that) then had to transfer to the bottle.
Be you sure attitudes would be different if it were men giving the breast. We all know what wimps they are! :o)
From:
no subject
THIS, TIMES ELEVENTY MILLION.
From:
no subject
I also noticed a pattern of denying drugs until it was too late and "oh, too late, you need medical intervention now" with an implied chunk of "you have failed as a woman and a mother before the baby was even born".
One person I listened to, who I think we both know, I knew well enough to say "well, the other option would have been dying!" in a cheery voice that thankfully did help her on perspective.
The best model I saw for non-shaming came from one of my sisters, who I saw 24 hours after the baby was born because I was in her area for a work trip.
She'd had a gruelling labour, but fantastic support from a team who were honest that the baby was going to take a while, but they were both fine, would you like more drugs and while we try not to do them, if you feel it's too much, we can do a C-section.
So I was admiring the wee chap and my sister said "I hope you don't think I'm being rude, but I'm the first in my childbirth class to have the baby and I need to phone them."
She proceeded to phone her entire class and her first sentence after "all fine, [baby details]" was "and I had ALL the drugs and they are wonderful and thus there is no standard to keep up, so have ALL THE DRUGS if you need them".
Which left me with a rather unflattering opinion of whoever was teaching that class, but my sister is ace.
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
Yes, this pisses me off. Breastfeeding is very nice once you have a rhythm going and certainly cheaper (the price of formula is a WHOLE SEPARATE RANT) but if it doesn't work out, bottle-feeding is a perfectly acceptable solution.
I wasn't breastfed. My mom couldn't. I don't take well to breastfeeding evangelism.
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
Sister-out-law gave me a breast pump, steriliser, bottles and a new set of teats and said, "I know you're planning to breast-feed, so this is for if it doesn't work out and/or when you go back to work and need to express." Having the equipment and the knowledge of how to use it was empowering, even though I didn't actually need it until around four months after Humuhumu was born.
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
I feel guilty that I stopped breastfeeding a month after going back to work. Hell, I feel guilt every day about going to work. I love my job and I would be a lot less healthy and happy as a person if I gave it up to look after Humuhumu full-time, so I know I'm doing the right thing by staying in it and putting her in as high-quality care as I can afford. But the persistently large element of society that disapproves of this never tires of voicing its opinions, so the guilt always has a voice, even if it's externally imposed. :/
From:
no subject
No-longer-so-small child seems to have survived it all without observable ill-effects and, in fact, given she finds social interaction difficult I'm glad that by circumstance she was in social situations from when she was very little because otherwise I suspect she would have found school initially extremely challenging. Mind you, we have yet to deal with puberty so she may yet decide to blame us for everything.
From:
no subject
I kept on with it because it meant I could sit down and read several times a day and didn't have to wash up bottles. I don't think that gets me the moral high ground.
From:
no subject
Ahahahaaaa. I agree that breastfeeding was convenient - not to mention cheaper, omg the price of formula is ridiculous - once I had a rhythm going and Humuhumu was sleeping through the night. (Trying to get formula to the correct temperature and washing bottles were the most tedious parts of her eigthth to twelfth months of life.) But yes, I don't think it gets anyone the moral high ground. To believe that, I'd have to believe myself to be in a superior position to my own mother, who couldn't breastfeed me, and that's just ridiculous.
From:
no subject
Love the double standard with being told to breastfeed and then demonized when not wanting to do it in a toilet.
The medication I take for my arthritis is not safe for pregnancy or breastfeeding (sort of messes up your folic acid cycle, yay...) so I am at the very least not going to breastfeed for a very long time - caring for a child while having an arthritis flare is probably a nightmare.
From:
no subject
...caring for a child while having an arthritis flare is probably a nightmare.
Yes, especially when your body is healing. Even if you have the "easiest" birth possible, you will likely still be very sore and exhausted for several weeks afterward. I had a relatively uncomplicated labour & birth, and I'd say it was still a good four weeks before I could move anywhere near normally. If you've had a c-section it's likely to be six weeks or longer.
From:
no subject
Hahaha. Yes!
Totally love this post and so in agreement with the active denial of information on bottle feeding. Absolutely gobsmacking that at least the basics of bottle feeding - as you say, bottles, sterilisation etc - are not even touched upon. It does so many women a huge disservice.
NCT is interesting (to me) because it was established as the 'solution' to a total lack of information and support in years before but has become, in the last few years, a negative space for so many people. Lots of parents talked to me about their problems with the classes in my research interviews.
From:
no subject
I would be very interested to know what, besides the breastfeeding evangelism, they found objectionable? Our main NCT instructor was quite a sensible and helpful personage, and very non-judgmental about things like pain relief choices, so the intense bias of breastfeeding session came as a bit of a shock.
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-study-finds-link-between-breastfeeding-always,36823/
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
My mum tried breastfeeding my sister, but she had to stop because the quality/quantity of her milk was not enough. All of us then ended up bottle fed.
Choices, people!! This is what feminism is about, choices!!
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
Love this!
How I yearn for the time when women can make choices about their bodies having had all the information necessary to make an informed choice and without being shamed for it. I cannot imagine that breastfeeding evangelism to the point of not preparing people for what bottle-feeding involves is in babies' best interests.
From:
no subject
YESSSS that will be amazing. And can it please happen in our lifetimes? *sigh* Our society still doesn't seem to trust adult women to make decisions, and even though I encounter evidence of this on a regular basis, I still find myself faintly incredulous every time.
From:
no subject
And if breastfeeding doesn't work, it's not child abuse to feed a baby with formula, dammit.
From:
no subject
Exactly! It's not like it's a bottle full of gin. Good grief. >.<
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
It's really fun the way social conditioning makes it reasonably easy to accept this rationally and advise others on it, but attempting to apply it to yourself is somehow orders of magnitude more difficult. :/
I'm very glad your mum had an understanding GP in that scenario. It would have been awful for her, not to mention for tinybaby!liseuse, to have been browbeaten on all sides into continuing to try to breastfeed.