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Many of you will have learnt this already, via FB, Twitter, Flickr or maybe even in meatspace. But just in case there’s anyone out there who didn’t know yet: I’m four months pregnant.
I’ve been oddly reluctant to post publicly about it in my journal. Maybe it’s because people are more likely to be nasty to others when shielded by the anonymity afforded by the internet. Maybe it’s because I’ve always felt ambivalent about having children, and I feel somewhat guilty that I still have that ambivalence, despite having committed to the irrevocable decision to have one myself. Maybe it’s because I don’t want my identity to be subsumed in becoming a delivery vehicle for a new human. Maybe it’s because while I’m happy to camhoor my cats (who don’t understand the internet and never will) and myself shamelessly, I don’t necessarily want to do it to a new human (who may eventually understand the internet and be horrified).
I’m dubious about bringing a person into a world struggling with climate change, resource depletion, endemic racism and sexism, and generally the ease with which humans can be horrible to one another. I guess all I can do is try to equip my passenger with the tools to help cope with these things. We’ll start with completing gestation. Oh, and while I’m glad to be having a child, I’m also glad that I was able to exercise control over my reproductive ability until I felt I was in a position to provide adequate support for one. May we one day live in world where every woman has the means to do this.
Here are Telstar’s thoughts on the forthcoming arrival.
You could interpret this as the cat version of “Congratulations!”, but I think it’s more likely to be, “You mean I can’t eat it? Boooorrrrring.”
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As someone who is the (very unplanned) mother of a now-18yo, I feel that ambivalence is not always a bad thing, especially when it comes to having a child. I think not submerging completely into the narrative of the blissful parent makes for better decisions and less loss of self. It also leaves room for your child to carve out their place instead of having one ready-made. In retrospect, my one big mistake back then was mistaking post-partum depression/psychosis for regret over a choice I didn't have (and therefore being a failure as a mother) and not getting it dealt with because it ate me alive at the time and it was perfectly treatable.
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Yes, this is what I'm hoping. I want to continue working, so I'm going to have to accept that I will be sharing the raising of Passenger with a number of other people - some of whom I don't get to select - anyway. But we all know what happens to those best-laid plans, so I won't go looking too far into the future just yet.
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I share many of your ambivalences, but am not yet at a point where I - biologically speaking - need to make a solid decision.
Congratulations again, and I like your phrase "we’ll start with completing gestation." :)
Telstar remains adorable, and I remain envious of what is clearly a fabulous sleepwear collection. :)
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I look forward to the day when we have total control over our reproductive abilities, and we can all make babies in uterine replicators at whatever stage of life we desire. That future cannot arrive quickly enough.
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I don't know if it helps, but you get ambivalence either way. I am currently ambivalent about -- as seems very likely now -- never having children. The opportunity never arose; it seems unlikely to arise in the near future; and I was never sure if I wanted children anyway. My main source of regret is that my parents would make amazing grandparents, and since I'm an only child, the fact that I'm not reproducing also deprives them of that chance.
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I'm an only child, too, so I can relate to this worry. My parents, bless them, have never pressured me to have children or partner up on a permanent basis, but watching my dad with my friends' kids made it blindingly obvious to me that he would adore being a grandparent.
Adoption or fostering could be options, if you go past the biological point of child-bearing, but I'm sure that's not appealing to everyone.
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It took me a while to comment on this post because, as you saw, I've been having my own kid-related issues. Even for an aunt/uncle figure like myself, there's so much about pregnancy and raising kids that's tricky at best and terrifying at worst. (Lack of autonomy is definitely one of those items.) I think being honest about your feelings is a lot better than trying to fit into some societal expectation about parenthood, and I think it's a good start toward a healthy parenting outlook.
While I don't have firsthand experience with gestating, I've been in the room for a delivery before (and I will be again in September), and I've spent a decent amount of time with newborns and toddlers in the last couple years, so if you ever feel like anecdotes, let me know.
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Eeek, the delivery room. I've been...avoiding thinking too hard about that one, frankly. I'm sure when it gets closer to the time, I'll have more sensible questions instead of just going "ACK" every time I try to jump mentally that far ahead. Thank you for the offer of shared experiences. :)
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Completely understandable. I hope the pregnancy's going well so far and continues to do so!