nanila | Entries tagged with pain

I accidentally took this photo of a statue in the Oxnead Hall gardens while in macro mode on my phone, and I rather like how it turned out. Also I need another peaceful image today, because it's been eighteen years, and I still find this particular date to be very hard work, not least because on this day in 2001, my grandfather had just died. Why on Earth I decided to do this project in September, the most fraught month in my personal calendar, I do not know.

ETA, literally five minutes later: I have just received the news that my Auntie V died this morning.

Dear September,
Are you fucking kidding me?
No love,
Nanila

the weather today is baffled
Crossposts: https://nanila.livejournal.com/1286377.html

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This is not a review.

[This post contains spoilers for Star Wars: Rogue One. Do not click the cut if you haven’t watched the film and are sensitive to spoilers.]

I saw Rogue One last week and I'm still dealing with the emotional fallout.

Actually, before I get into this: If you think the film was terrible, want to pick apart plot points, lecture me about how the story isn't deep or meaningful, argue that a having female lead is a pointless gesture in the direction of political correctness, tell me I’m not a “real” fan, or claim that casting a significant proportion of characters of colour is tokenism or that representation doesn’t matter, I have a request. Please, hold your tongue. This post is not for you.

Because the film drew me in completely. Not just because it was, in many ways, the Star Wars film I always wanted. The Force Awakens was good, centering the female lead, providing a nuanced character of colour, connecting beautifully with the characters in the original films (Episodes IV-VI). Rogue One does those things too but I got involved with this story on the level I used to when I was a kid and I'd lose myself completely in a narrative, to the point where I'd have visceral nightmares about it (as I am with Rogue One). This story felt true.

( Here be spoilers. )

the weather today is resolute
Crossposts: http://nanila.livejournal.com/1093972.html

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Thank you very much to everyone who left a kind, sympathetic comment on my last post. And thank you also to those who read and felt sympathy but didn't have energy to comment. I hope no one will be offended if I don't respond to them individually. It's hard for me to look at them en masse without bursting into tears at the moment.

I will completely understand if you don't want to read the following, which contains a description of Sputnik's death. It was important to me to write it out as part of the grieving process, but it's not by any means pleasant to read even if I have left out the details. Hence, it's under a cut and all comments are screened.

( Finding Sputnik. )

Telstar brought us half a squirrel last night. (Usually we are only presented with trophy tails.) He & Sputnik used to share their bigger kills, so I think he was confused about why he was being left to eat the whole thing.

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I just found his body. This is the last picture I took of him on 5 March 2012.

the weather today is crying my eyes out

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Lethargy? Check.
Difficulty with concentration caused by randomly occurring poignant memories? Check.
Unexpected, embarrassing crying jag? Check.

No, it's not menstrual. It's the tenth anniversary of my grandfather's death.

Oh, Grief. It's so cute the way you sneak up and bite me on the arse when I'm not looking. And by "cute" I mean "evil and underhanded". Time was supposed to help heal you, but it turns out he buggers off on holiday with no advance notice at the critical moment.

tags:

family,
pain

My maternal grandfather, with whom I was very close, died shortly after I started keeping an online journal in 2001. I never posted about his death in detail. He had an aortic aneurysm that ruptured. He lost consciousness during the operation to repair it, and he died a week later.

I forgot that I'd written about it in a diary until last weekend. You may remember that I shipped over the stuff that has been in storage since I moved to the UK. As I dug through it, trying to corral it into some sort of order, I came across that little pink notebook. I sat down and re-read my entries on his death. And now I feel like sharing them.

( Trigger warning for, well, death, described in intimate detail. )

tags:

family,
pain

This e-mail excerpt actually made me cry at work.

The UK government has closed the Tier 1 (General) route for applications made overseas as it expects the interim limit for Tier 1 (General) applications to be reached imminently. Since the Tier 1 (General) route will be closed permanently from April 2011, the overseas route will not reopen.

The UK Border Agency will stop accepting Tier 1 (General) applications made overseas from 00:01hrs (GMT) on 23 December 2010. Applications submitted and paid for overseas up until the end of 22 December 2010 will be processed as normal. Any applications received after this time will be rejected.

Please note that Tier 1 (General) applications made in the UK will remain open until 5 April 2011. Applications to extend existing Tier 1 (General) visas, applications to switch into Tier 1 (General) from a different immigration category, and applications from dependents can therefore be made as normal.

I realize people in the UK have a lot to worry about right now, from benefit cuts to the VAT increase to stagnant unemployment rates, and so probably no one cares but me.

It's hard to explain why, but this hurts. My Tier 1 (General) visa expires in 2012. After that, I have no choice but to apply for Indefinite Leave to Remain if I want to stay. It so happens that I've been here, and employed continuously, for long enough that I should qualify. It also happens that I plan to settle here. Somehow, though, I find the closure of the scheme tantamount to being told I'm unwelcome. At least when the HSMP (Highly Skilled Migrant Programme) scheme was shut down, it was because it was replaced by the improved, streamlined Tier 1 scheme. This feels like having a door slammed in your face.

the weather today is unwanted
with a hint of Orishas - Emigrante

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Sauntering Vaguely Downward

Into the land of lowered expectations

Oxnead Hall gardens (Day 9 of 30)

Star Wars: Rogue One.

My littlest fluff is gone.

RIP Sputnik

Oh, I see how it is.

A 10-year anniversary

Tier 1 (General): No longer welcome

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