Twenty-four hours to home time

[nanila]

Shipping container, with bear


I have accomplished the primary objective of this trip to the States. All the stuff that was in storage in the US is now in this shipping container and on its way to the UK.

This is it. This feels final. None of my belongings will reside in this country once that ship has gotten underway to Southampton, where it will arrive in 12 weeks, creating a whole new logistical headache for me to enjoy. I’m committing to being an expat for the long term.

Being here makes me feel adrift. When I’m in Britain, I know I’m an expat. I have a solid understanding of what that means, the perpetual uncertainty of my welcome and heightened cultural awareness that it involves. When I’m in the US, I no longer feel like I’m home. I don’t fit in completely here any more than I do in Britain. The Americans I meet assume I’m British. When I checked in at the storage space for the last time, the girl at the desk confided to me, “I love your accent.”

Committing to becoming a dual national doesn’t make me feel accepted in both cultures. It makes me feel like I’m barred from ever being fully comfortable again in either. That sounds negative, but I don’t mean it entirely in that way. I think the increased consciousness and observation of propriety that being an expat have given me are positive qualities. I just don’t know how to belong any more - if, indeed, I ever did. I could be romanticizing and missing something I never had in the first place (see: my complex racial/ethnic identity issues).

Comments

[becala]

I can't know, obviously, but that last sentence rings pretty true.

Also I got a bit misty reading that. I think I am due to rag any time. Great time to be going to an all-day job interview, ne? Better pack my menstrual cup in my purse. And try not to cry.

[nanila]

I think it's probably true for me as well.

[shirou]

I also have cultural identity issues, the result of being born to an immigrant family. I spoke one language at home and another at school. In the US I was often viewed as Dutch, since my family came from the Netherlands; whenever I went back to the Netherlands, though, I was viewed as American. At the time I didn't like it, and it still frustrates me sometimes. However, I have since discovered that this feeling is pretty common among multicultural people, and we're a growing lot. Now I feel like I do have a group where I belong: all of us with some kind of unclear mish-mash of cultural identities.

Interestingly, I really liked living in France -- even though I did so only for a short time -- because there was no misalignment between how I viewed myself and how others viewed me. They saw me as I saw myself: a foreigner. I was comfortable in that role. This seems to echo a some of what you've said about how being an expat makes you feel.

[nanila]

Yes! Your second paragraph pins it down for me, I think. When I was in Hawai'i, I always felt not-Asian-enough. And then, when I moved to the mainland US, I felt not-white-enough. But here, I'm an American and an outsider. It's not a matter of being "English-enough" because I'm not English at all.

[telegramsam]

Cute bear!

Best of luck with everything, it sounds rather complicated. I hope things get better over time.

[nanila]

Thank you. Mr Bear was from Costco. I'm not exactly sure what to do with him. He was going to be a gift, but I'm afraid if he goes to the nephew or the niece, there will be accusations of favouritism.

[telegramsam]

Give them each a Bear Time-Share! :P

[ex_pinetree696]

"When I’m in the US, I no longer feel like I’m home. I don’t fit in completely here any more than I do in Britain."

I sort of know the feeling. I had some serious reverse culture shock the last time I went to America (in 2004). Everything was so different, so weird, that I came back to China early and haven't left for 7 years.

Like the commentator a couple comments up, I also have some weird cultural identity issues. I'm a white American, but China means far more to me than America does, and I am far far more influenced by Chinese issues and cultural aspects than anything else, to the point where I do refer to myself as "Chinese" despite having no Asian blood at all. OTOH, no one here ever misses a chance to remind me that I'm not Chinese, which hurts a little bit. I don't quite know what to do about it.

[nanila]

Everything was so different, so weird, that I came back to China early and haven't left for 7 years.

I understand this feeling. I was so ready to leave as soon as I signed off on the shipping box.

OTOH, no one here ever misses a chance to remind me that I'm not Chinese, which hurts a little bit. I don't quite know what to do about it.

That's interesting. Are they that direct about it? English people would never tell me to my face that I wasn't English, but they adopt a certain expression that I recognise immediately if they think I'm playing at being English (which I only ever do in a self-mocking way, but funnily they don't always seem to know that).

[ex_pinetree696]

Yes, very direct. They'll come right out and say, "Why haven't you gone back to YOUR COUNTRY in such a long time?" or "Why do you want to stay here? YOU'RE NOT CHINESE!" Whenever we're doing some sort of traditional Chinese cultural thing, celebrating the Spring Festival or burning money for a deceased ancestor, anyone who doesn't know me who notices me participating will say something like, "Wow, look at that FOREIGNER burning money! I didn't know FOREIGNERS did that, too!" Hell, even my son, a native-born Chinese citizen, always gets called "foreign kid" by strangers.

In their defense, though, Chinese people tend to think of the world in terms of "Chinese" or "not-Chinese" and I can understand why, I think.