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This was the episode that forced me to face the fact that I am VERY JUDGY AND ANGRY about USELESS DADS. With CAPSLOCK.
Ep 3: The Mersier family
Couple with two pre-teen children who moved from a big 4-bed house in Michigan to a two-bed flat in LA, so Mum could take advantage of an unspecified job opportunity (something in hair styling). All of them are sweet, energetic, and expressive. And apart from the mum, horribly disorganised. It becomes clear pretty quickly that not only is she the main breadwinner, she also does the bulk of the housework. A low simmer of rage begins bubbling inside me.
The kitchen is very packed. Husband: “This is my favourite room not to be in.” This is where we find out he doesn’t do any of the cooking. Son, talking about his preferred method of finding things: “I just spam [Mom’s] phone until she answers.” OOOOOERRRR. *glares*
The kids’ room is cluttered. Daughter: “There’s no space. It’s hard for me to feel like this is an actual home.” Wife starts crying. Everybody cuddles her. Well done guys but also, maybe try addressing the actual problem that’s driving her to tears. So. Much. Rage.
Wife: “I feel like I’m to blame...Mom is the one who’s supposed to cook and clean and make home home...I feel like I’m failing in that area.” GIRL NO MAKE THAT LAZY S.O.B PULL HIS WEIGHT. Ahem. And the kids too, but it’s not so much their fault especially if they’re watching the dad adopt exactly the same coping strategies (e.g. rely completely on the mom).
These lot let MK do her house-greeting ritual on their own. I mean, they have a moment but it’s more about all of them being together. I like these guys. It’s not just me who’s really not into the mystical house connection thing!
Time to make the clothing mountains.
Wife: “I feel like I’m not setting her up to succeed at life. He’s twelve, she’s eleven; I should have been doing this since age five, just like you.” MK, warmly: “It’s never too late to start.” This is good counselling.
The family start on their homework going through their clothes. Brother: “Why did I do that to these shoes too?” *bends sole away from shoe* Sister: “Broooo, oh no! But those are such good shoes.”
MK returns to give a folding lesson. The fitted sheet folding instructions are quite useful but MK’s teaching persona freaks me out a bit. Something about the deliberate blinking.
MK queries Wife about whether she thinks some of the burden of tidying will be lifted from her through this process. Wife: “I’ll be able to guide them and it won’t just be me doing it.” YES YES well done you have graduated to management level.
Wife begins the process of teaching the family how to organise “for the sake of having a home and not just a house.” WILD APPLAUSE.
I get the feeling that this family (okay, the wife/mum) is taking on board the philosophy of the KonMari method more explicitly and obviously than the people in the previous episodes. You get the sense that there will be a long-lasting impact. Much as I liked the Akiyama couple, I got the sense they needed to go through the decluttering process once and then could easily let it lapse without much in the way of consequences, simply because they have a massive house. This family need to integrate everything about the tidying process into their daily lives, simply through lack of space.
Husband: “I never realised the pressure of doing having to do everything until I actually did it.” *long hard stare* *slow clap*
Wife: “My kids know how to take care of their resources!...This house is finally a home.” I’m so happy for you, lady. You deserve this.
All of them seem to have come to an awareness of collective effort that will be needed to keep it up. Even the husband. I just hope for Her sake that they all hold on to that realisation. *narrowed eyes*
Ep 3: The Mersier family
Couple with two pre-teen children who moved from a big 4-bed house in Michigan to a two-bed flat in LA, so Mum could take advantage of an unspecified job opportunity (something in hair styling). All of them are sweet, energetic, and expressive. And apart from the mum, horribly disorganised. It becomes clear pretty quickly that not only is she the main breadwinner, she also does the bulk of the housework. A low simmer of rage begins bubbling inside me.
The kitchen is very packed. Husband: “This is my favourite room not to be in.” This is where we find out he doesn’t do any of the cooking. Son, talking about his preferred method of finding things: “I just spam [Mom’s] phone until she answers.” OOOOOERRRR. *glares*
The kids’ room is cluttered. Daughter: “There’s no space. It’s hard for me to feel like this is an actual home.” Wife starts crying. Everybody cuddles her. Well done guys but also, maybe try addressing the actual problem that’s driving her to tears. So. Much. Rage.
Wife: “I feel like I’m to blame...Mom is the one who’s supposed to cook and clean and make home home...I feel like I’m failing in that area.” GIRL NO MAKE THAT LAZY S.O.B PULL HIS WEIGHT. Ahem. And the kids too, but it’s not so much their fault especially if they’re watching the dad adopt exactly the same coping strategies (e.g. rely completely on the mom).
These lot let MK do her house-greeting ritual on their own. I mean, they have a moment but it’s more about all of them being together. I like these guys. It’s not just me who’s really not into the mystical house connection thing!
Time to make the clothing mountains.
Wife: “I feel like I’m not setting her up to succeed at life. He’s twelve, she’s eleven; I should have been doing this since age five, just like you.” MK, warmly: “It’s never too late to start.” This is good counselling.
The family start on their homework going through their clothes. Brother: “Why did I do that to these shoes too?” *bends sole away from shoe* Sister: “Broooo, oh no! But those are such good shoes.”
MK returns to give a folding lesson. The fitted sheet folding instructions are quite useful but MK’s teaching persona freaks me out a bit. Something about the deliberate blinking.
MK queries Wife about whether she thinks some of the burden of tidying will be lifted from her through this process. Wife: “I’ll be able to guide them and it won’t just be me doing it.” YES YES well done you have graduated to management level.
Wife begins the process of teaching the family how to organise “for the sake of having a home and not just a house.” WILD APPLAUSE.
I get the feeling that this family (okay, the wife/mum) is taking on board the philosophy of the KonMari method more explicitly and obviously than the people in the previous episodes. You get the sense that there will be a long-lasting impact. Much as I liked the Akiyama couple, I got the sense they needed to go through the decluttering process once and then could easily let it lapse without much in the way of consequences, simply because they have a massive house. This family need to integrate everything about the tidying process into their daily lives, simply through lack of space.
Husband: “I never realised the pressure of doing having to do everything until I actually did it.” *long hard stare* *slow clap*
Wife: “My kids know how to take care of their resources!...This house is finally a home.” I’m so happy for you, lady. You deserve this.
All of them seem to have come to an awareness of collective effort that will be needed to keep it up. Even the husband. I just hope for Her sake that they all hold on to that realisation. *narrowed eyes*
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work mate saw my dad take the company hoover into his van to clean it and said
wm: 'the fuck, mate? that's wummin's wurk'
dad: 'ye never hoover then?'
wm: 'naw that's fer the mrs'
dad: 'whit de you dae then?'
wm: *laughs* 'work!'
dad: 'aye and so does ma mrs. i hoover and clean the kitchen and does the living room and bedroom. the bairn does the cooking and bathroom. three adults in the hoose, mate'
wm: 'yer a fanny, letting those twa dictate'
dad: 'how bout i come shove this hoover up yer erse and ye can say that again'
lol
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I really felt for the wife in this episode. The rest of the house could have stood up and offered to learn a lot earlier without TV crew intervention, and she seemed to be taking on all the blame. But at least the family all really seemed to care for each other.
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I totally agree that this family was totally charming as a group. There was a lot of genuine affection there. You got the sense that sorting out the housecleaning/de-cluttering was only going to add to their joy, rather than being a plaster over much bigger underlying problems (Episode 1 family ermahgerrrrd).
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The couple in ep 1 struck me as the people who are together in their house with their kids because that's what they want their life to look like, but it's completely distanced from the actual substance of living that life and/or from what they individually actually want.
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in which I am unnecessarily judgy
Nope! But I definitely had the dawning realization of "oh my god, you're the people all the advice about not living a life you'll think looks good on social media if it makes you miserable is directed at! you're the living embodiment of the stereotype that Californians are superficial and shallow!" as I watched them.
Like, I will buy that maybe the dude wants this kind of life -- but he's also the dude who is legit about to shed A Single Manly Tear on camera over the fact that his wife sends the laundry out instead of just like, doing it all herself without any assistance. She definitely thought she wanted a life that looked like this, but I'm thinking she's actually gonna bounce in another three to five years to "find herself," probably somewhere abroad, because this isn't her story so maybe like an Eat, Pray, Love is.
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Which is that it was very clear to me that up until this (and sometimes even through it, in a couple of cases) things needed to be how she intended to the point where she did in fact go into the middle of her kids doing the work and start cleaning up their stuff without them present.
And I know why that is, but the side effect of it is that it's actually very hard and hostile and stressful for the other members of the family to build any of their own habits that way? And it's easier just to . . . not, because "not" means you're not getting constant "no do this instead, no I'm doing X with that you're messing it up, no that needs to go there" - because part of the motivation is the sense that the state of the home/etc is a reflection on her as a person, there's a huge OWNERSHIP that she very clearly does take?
And I was really pleased that she did grasp that she had to let the kids have ownership as much as she needed to get them to do the work, because that was . . . a battle . . . in our house.
And it can be very hard to bring that issue around and address it, because it absolutely does end up with the person who's doing that doing a hugely unfair amount of the work, and it also means that work is benefitting the people who aren't doing it? But if you don't address the ownership and investment and letting go of control you can't actually fix it (at least not without it becoming . . . unfortunate . . . in its dynamics in a whole new way).
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And the straight up speed with which the dad started doing things and also his awareness that it wasn't entirely fair to start with kinda confirmed to me that there was at least some of that going on, along with her initial habit of taking over the organizing that the kids were doing, and that it seemed very....revelatory? When Marie walked get through the idea of "maybe explicitly teach them how you want things and then make it their responsibility."
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What I cannot. and. will. not tolerate is the one where someone goes:
- A thing needs to be done!
- I am overwhelmed and overworked by doing all the things! (<--it literally doesn't matter if this is true or not: it may be! It may be VERY VALID! That's besides the point.)
- I do not want to ASK for help!
- I do not want to EXPLAIN and TELL people what I want!
- Instead of doing either of those things I will just do all the things!
- BUT I WILL RESENT IT!!!!
- BECAUSE I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO DO ALL THE THINGS!!!!!
- Other people should TAKE INITIATIVE. And THINK FOR THEMSELVES. And DO THINGS.
- Exactly the way I want them to.
- When I want them to do it.
- Without me having to take action to make this happen in any way.
- If other people do not do this, they are useless/evil/bad/lazy/don't love me.
That's where I hit fuuuuuuck off.
But it's also, ironically, where a lot of feminine socialization and crap . . . ends up putting women I deal with! (I am a woman, to just note.) Because they're not allowed to ask for help because that's Inconvenient, and since they intuitively know What The Right Way To Do Things Is so should everyone else it's Just Common Sense, so clearly if anyone really loved them or cared about them, other people would chip in to help.
And the help would be EXACTLY the same way they would do things.
Which like: I am willing to make a good faith effort to cooperate on shared tasks and communicate different needs but I am not a fucking mind-reader so if you WANT that much control over how I do things you need to PUT THAT MUCH EFFORT into telling me how you want them done, and otherwise we are not going to get along.
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I had a previous relationship where that ownership was very important, and the criticism was quick about not doing it the right way, but also the other person had executive function and fatigue problems, and so things would not get done because she had to be the one to do it, but she rarely felt able to do it (unless I was there to play gopher and otherwise sustain the energy through the task.)
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It was so lovely watching the mum in this episode understand how she had to change her own views and habits in order to help the family do the same. She did so well, and because of all the love and support between the family members, which I fear rather got lost in me being a bit ranty about USELESS DADS, she succeeded and so did they.
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MMV, natch, but yeah.
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Recently, my wife has given me her support to do more decluttering. We've outgrown all the baby furniture, and the kids received a mountain of Christmas presents, so we need the space. I am relishing the task, but I've resisted watching Tidying Up with MK for fear it would give me so much enthusiasm I would scare my wife and lose her long-sought endorsement.
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(Maybe we need MK's counseling!)
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Wise move. I find it hard to watch an episode through without stopping, because it keeps making me think of some small tidy/declutter I really want to do Right Now This Minute.
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I feel bad for the partners of the useless ones, though -_-
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I definitely did not get that feeling from the people in Episode 1.
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I am also coming back to them once I’ve watched the relevant episode. So good to be able to have a discussion about them!
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Specifically I liked it because it's less effort than the actual proper way and yet at the same time results in a neatly folded bundle that works for her specifically-designed-to-look-nice system - basically it's very efficient and happy to sacrifice The Right Way for practical results. Which is what a lot of people really NEED, in this field.
Mmv, but I doubt she's unaware of The Correct Way - she just doesn't find it useful.
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Oh, wait........... :o)
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Though, I did have major flashbacks to sniping arguments with my mother when I was living at home. She had very definite ways of doing things and if you did something in a way which was not exactly her way you might as well have created a tornado's worth of mess that she had to clean up. It was infuriating. And it made me never ever want to clean or tidy anything because there would still be a row if I did, it would just be a different row. I mean, I did clean and tidy things because that is what someone does when they're sharing space, but I also used to prepare myself for the row.
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I can understand how micromanaging the state of the house could easily get you to a place where no one is willing to help because they don't want to trigger conflict. Maybe that's why I felt so pleased that this mum recognised that she needed to re-think her processes in order to effect lasting change on the household.
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Oh yeah I was super glad that she recognised that her "always fixing and doing" approach wasn't a good one and that if she wanted things doing she had to a) tell people how she wanted things doing and b) take a step back so people have the space to do things.
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Because opportunities for both professional musicians and high-level black hairdressing are slightly thin on the ground in small town Michigan.
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I might go back, but I really felt annoyed by this family, even though I liked her.
H
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I was super happy for them, especially mom.