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I was going to muster up the energy to post some photos from the weekend, but then the pamphlet for local elections in Hometown USA popped through my door. And it is a thing of beauty. Honestly, I haven't been this entertained by printed material since...well, since The Secret Barrister, which I read fairly recently, so never mind.
Anyway, I present you with some samplings of candidate statements for US Senator, which just in case you didn't know this already, is a six-year term. I'm not sure if some of these people would last six minutes in office.
All credit for misspellings, random capitalisation, and incoherence goes to the original authors.
From Alex Tsimerman, I give you an excerpt, because six paragraphs of Alex Tsimerman might break the internet:
* No. But this is literally the only coherent sentence in your statement.
From RC Smith, whose six paragraphs are almost entirely dedicated to the dangers of wireless communication, we have:
** "a condition of impaired health reported especially in the Russian medical literature that is characterized by headaches, anxiety, sleep disturbances, fatigue, and difficulty in concentrating and by changes in the cardiovascular and central nervous systems and that is held to be caused by prolonged exposure to low-intensity microwave radiation." Not terribly illuminating, as the distance from, intensity of, and length of time of the exposure are not defined here.
*** I did this so you don't have to. Funnily enough, the article is about how the residents hated the large size and ugly appearance of the antennas, not the radio waves coming from them.
**** Hey, I know someone else who thinks that. You two should meet! OR MAYBE NOT. O.O
From the "Oh dear, there is way too much to unpack in here, and also, which state do you live in and what office do you think you're running for" files, I bring you Mohammad Said:
From the "Someone needs a lesson in the definition of the word hubris" files, I bring you a very small excerpt of Roque "Rocky" De La Fuente:
And finally, the jewel in the crown comes from George H. Kalberer, who cannot see the tragic element of his ability to believe simultaneously that innocent civilians in America should not be unjustly slaughtered and that innocent civilians in Asia should be:
***** How do you fire someone retroactively?
****** This suggests he actually did the calculation for the necessary number for North Korea! Well done Mr Kalberer! Although he may want to check what the actual US stockpile of Tomahawk missiles is, considering that less than 300 were used during the entirety of the 1991 Gulf war.
******* Will they be required to Surrender in ALL CAPS?
Key statement at the end of the pamphlet: "Statements are the opinions of the authors and haven't been checked for factual or grammatical accuracy by the Auditor's Office." NO SHIT, SHERLOCK.
Anyway, I present you with some samplings of candidate statements for US Senator, which just in case you didn't know this already, is a six-year term. I'm not sure if some of these people would last six minutes in office.
All credit for misspellings, random capitalisation, and incoherence goes to the original authors.
From Alex Tsimerman, I give you an excerpt, because six paragraphs of Alex Tsimerman might break the internet:
Are we better now than a few years ago?* Stop Seattle fascism with idiotic face!
I, Alex Tsimerman, speak to all Washingtonians stop Seattle emerald degenerate super smart freaking idiot, who bring Seattle to number One Fascist City in America with Nazi Social Democrat Mafia with progressive Gestapo principle. That always choose dirty garbage rats that drink from fat cat toilet and who make your life miserable and brought us to total collapse. Enough is Enough.
* No. But this is literally the only coherent sentence in your statement.
From RC Smith, whose six paragraphs are almost entirely dedicated to the dangers of wireless communication, we have:
We're allowing industry controlled FCC to microwave poison our children, families, homes, workplaces...(google: microwave sickness webster's**). We must stop deployment of these deadly 5G cell tower transceivers (google: press democrat Verizon antennas***). Enough's Enough!****
** "a condition of impaired health reported especially in the Russian medical literature that is characterized by headaches, anxiety, sleep disturbances, fatigue, and difficulty in concentrating and by changes in the cardiovascular and central nervous systems and that is held to be caused by prolonged exposure to low-intensity microwave radiation." Not terribly illuminating, as the distance from, intensity of, and length of time of the exposure are not defined here.
*** I did this so you don't have to. Funnily enough, the article is about how the residents hated the large size and ugly appearance of the antennas, not the radio waves coming from them.
**** Hey, I know someone else who thinks that. You two should meet! OR MAYBE NOT. O.O
From the "Oh dear, there is way too much to unpack in here, and also, which state do you live in and what office do you think you're running for" files, I bring you Mohammad Said:
...As an immigrant myself Spanish speaking, I advocate to institute a guest worker program, so Latinos come to work in the US leaving their families behind given enough time to go back to visit. Amended Constitution to reform War Powers Act, National Guard under State control and Second Amendment as privilege and not right, foreign born American citizens able to run for president. Cut foreign aid, former President Obama gave Israel 38 billion dollars from tax payers in the next 10 years. No politician protested. Reign on military not treat them as sacred cow, need to finance our infrastructure.
From the "Someone needs a lesson in the definition of the word hubris" files, I bring you a very small excerpt of Roque "Rocky" De La Fuente:
I don't have to pretend to understand the minority issues because I am one. I don't have to pretend how to create jobs because I have created thousands...I don't have to pretend to understand international relations because I've traveled extensively and both lived and worked abroad.
And finally, the jewel in the crown comes from George H. Kalberer, who cannot see the tragic element of his ability to believe simultaneously that innocent civilians in America should not be unjustly slaughtered and that innocent civilians in Asia should be:
...Compel Body Cams on each and every Cop in America with strict Federal supervision - all Body Cam information stored on Federal Computers and available to FOIA requests - All Police Unions abolished by law - Each and every Cop involved in the death of an unarmed person must be immediately fired and banned from Police work for Life both going forward and retroactively*****.
...North Korea - Kick Jung's Ass with 30,000 Tomahawk Cruise Missiles. China - Kick Xi Jinping's Ass, by Blockading, then Conquering China by firing the necessary number****** of Tomahawk Cruise Missiles to destroy all Nuclear Targets, all Air Defense Targets, all Military Targets including each and every Chinese ship, submarine and airplane launched from a safe distance with a goal of no loss of American Life and with no US ground troops used until after China's Unconditional Surrender.*******
***** How do you fire someone retroactively?
****** This suggests he actually did the calculation for the necessary number for North Korea! Well done Mr Kalberer! Although he may want to check what the actual US stockpile of Tomahawk missiles is, considering that less than 300 were used during the entirety of the 1991 Gulf war.
******* Will they be required to Surrender in ALL CAPS?
Key statement at the end of the pamphlet: "Statements are the opinions of the authors and haven't been checked for factual or grammatical accuracy by the Auditor's Office." NO SHIT, SHERLOCK.
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Has it not occurred to Mr Kalberer that China might, just possibly, fire back?
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Of course 30,000 for North Korea, plus a presumably much larger number for China is just a tad ambitious when the most Tomahawks the USN could take to sea is about 9,000, and in practice far less given the same VLS launch tubes used for Tomahawk are also used for defensive missiles.
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I do not think that possibility has occurred to him. He is clearly convinced that the US can make an unexpected first strike so powerful that the remainder of China will be rendered incapable of response and/or unwilling to retaliate.
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My brother saved this leaflet for me rather than taking it straight to the recycling box because he knew I would appreciate it and the very special opinions therein.
There is the extended rant about safety standards for staircases (i.e. "I am so annoyed by my interaction with council officials I am standing for election so I can tell them what to do properly). There is the fervent dislike for any form of regulation of AirBnB, and the comparison of regulations to the zombie apocalypse. But nothing beats the desire to "recreate the buccaneering spirit of the First Elizabethan Age". I don't think he knows that buccaneers were state-sponsored pirates.
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I don't want to worry you, but in 2015 we had a Conservative candidate who campaigned solely on the topic of cellphone reception (he was pro more of it, rather than the reverse) and he's still here.
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the only thing this is missing is a quote from Goodspaceguy.
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Here we go.
* This is not a statement of political intent, GoodSpaceGuy, this is a probably-accurate prediction of the future.
** Nice try, but I suspect the voters of Hometown USA are far more interested in having cheap, habitable villages in their own state first.
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From the viewpoint of a former Washington voter, I wanted to know what the people who wanted my vote think. "There's a candidate called Goodspaceguy" doesn't necessarily cause me to vote for someone else; "there's a candidate called Goodspaceguy who thinks King County should have its own space program" did. (He seems to have figured out that won't fly, maybe because he literally had this as a platform for county executive, or maybe because he noticed how far from the equator Seattle is.)
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There's a tradition among printers that you do not correct errors, not even obvious ones.* Query them, sure, but I was trained to "follow the copy out the window." Printers are not editors. It wasn't our job.
*Why not? Because the obvious error is not always an error. I once worked on a book about Indian cinema where a helpful typesetter changed Bollywood to Hollywood on the back cover. Umm, no. Bollywood was correct, and we ended up with an expensive makeshift back cover.
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I'd also argue that these people deserve to have their words printed exactly as they've written them.
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I wanted to look at this delight for myself, but apparently it's only available to current registered voters, and they've (correctly) removed me from the Washington election rolls since I'm living and voting here in Massachusetts.
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It's a shame (?!) the whole pamphlet can't be distributed electronically...
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I really liked what Silveradept said, just downstream. ;-)
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