Sherlock Holmes in 15 minutes

[nanila]

I have now watched the version of Sherlock Holmes that appeared at the talkies in 2009. I was not expecting to like it. And oh my stars and garters, I certainly did not expect to love it. But I did. I did.

AUDIENCE: You’re not quite ascetic enough to be Holmes, Mr Robert Downey Jr.

HOLMES: My dear AUDIENCE, although this film is more full of romance, pugilism and explosions that my author could have dreamed of, I guarantee that you will be in love with me by the end of it, purely on the strength of my demonstration of the triumph of rational thought over superstition. Also, because I’m dashing.

AUDIENCE: How can you possibly know that?

HOLMES: Elemen--No, I’m not going to say that yet. You’re familiar with my methods. You know that I shall not reveal my deductive process until the end.

AUDIENCE: Goddammit.

HOLMES: I can give you a taster, though. Here is some calculated pugilism, carefully dissected for your delectation.

AUDIENCE: Duuuuude.

WATSON: What ho, HOLMES? Bored again?

HOLMES: How could you tell?

WATSON: You’ve shot up the sitting room. Also, you’re high.

HOLMES: Rhetorical.

WATSON: What?

HOLMES: Nothing.

WATSON: Let’s have lunch with MARY.

HOLMES: No. I’m going to watch LORD BLACKWOOD hang.

WATSON: That sounds like so much fun.

HOLMES: More fun that watching you make eyes at some trollop.

WATSON: What?

HOLMES: Nothing. Also, no.

WATSON: Tsk. See you at lunch, dear.

LORD BLACKWOOD: Hear my creepy speech! *hangs*

MORIARTY: *lurks*

HOLMES: Right, I’m off to lunch.

MARY: It’s nice to meet you.

HOLMES: In a vain attempt to put you and WATSON off one another because I’m totally not jealous, I shall now deduce your entire personal history from your appearance and share it with this crowded restaurant.

MARY: *flings wine over HOLMES, storms out*

WATSON: HOLMES, I already knew all that. *storms out*

HOLMES: This is a good steak. *eats, goes home*

IRENE ADLER: Hi! I’m far more fleshed out, metaphorically if not physically, than I am in the books. I have a case for you, HOLMES.

HOLMES: Don’t want it. Go ‘way.

IRENE: Tsk. Find this short ginger dude. I promise it’ll be interesting.

MORIARTY: *lurks*

SHORT GINGER DUDE: *is dead*

LORD BLACKWOOD: *isn’t*

HOLMES: Interesting. WATSON, let’s go to the docks.

WATSON: No. I’m mad at you.

HOLMES: Whatever. You’re coming. I need to see the things. Also, to taste them.

WATSON: What?

GIANT PUGILIST: GRAAAAAAH!

HOLMES: Interesting. *fights*

WATSON: Goddammit!

HOLMES: *dangles from chains* Little help?

WATSON: Fine. But we’re still estranged because of your behaviour toward MARY.

HOLMES: Whatever.

GIANT PUGILIST: I’LL BE BAAAACK.

HOLMES and WATSON: Wrong film, idiot.

LORD BLACKWOOD: I shall now use my occult powers to kill all those who oppose me.

HOLMES: Whatever.

MORIARTY: *lurks*

LORD BLACKWOOD: Think you’re not afraid of me? I’ll show you. I’ll have you…arrested!

IRENE: WATSON, we must rescue HOLMES!

WATSON: No. I’m still mad at him.

IRENE: …Seriously? You’re going to be that petty? Now?

WATSON: Oh, all right.

IRENE: My goodness. Look at all these explosions, and that band saw. How are we still alive?

HOLMES: Elementary, my dear IRENE.

IRENE: Oh, do shut up.

LORD BLACKWOOD: Will everyone stop flirting and pay attention to me?

HOLMES: What do you want?

LORD BLACKWOOD: To demonstrate my magical powers by selectively annihilating the members of Parliament who oppose me!

HOLMES: What, with this canister of chemical badness that I pulled out of your gizmo five minutes ago?

IRENE: I would like to point out that I nicked that, not HOLMES. Glory hound.

HOLMES: Whatever.

LORD BLACKWOOD: Goddammit!

HOLMES: I shall now bring you to justice, you fraudulent magician. After I explain the banal truth behind your trickery to the AUDIENCE.

AUDIENCE: YESSS WE LOVE YOU HOLMES.

HOLMES: I know, I know.

IRENE: While you were preening, LORD BLACKWOOD fell into the Thames.

LORD BLACKWOOD: AAAAaaaaaahhhhh…

HOLMES: Goddammit.

WATSON: Why are you all on top of Tower Bridge scaffolding?

MORIARTY: *lurks*

HOLMES: I’m surrounded by numpties.

IRENE: Except for me.

HOLMES: Yes, love. Have fun getting down from here. I’m out.

I eagerly anticipate the sequel.

Comments

[ironed_orchid]

I really enjoyed this movie, although I'm still confused about how they got to Tower Bridge.

[chickenfeet]

via Mornington Crescent

[ironed_orchid]

In tunnels under the river?

[chickenfeet]

Well I suppose if you wanted the south side of Tower Bridge but it seems a bit of a long way round.

[ironed_orchid]

There might have been a chase through the streets which they inexplicably cut out.

[nanila]

The sheer power of flamboyance, my friend.

[nanila]

Also, jet-packs.

[ironed_orchid]

Of course!

[chickenfeet]

Oddly enough I was looking up Rachel McAdams for a completely different reason. She plays Kate, the jump in Ophelia, in Season 1 of the rather wicked comedy series Slings and Arrows.

[nanila]

Ooh, I'll have to put that on my list of Things to Watch.

[chickenfeet]

I think you would enjoy it. It's very Canadian but then so are Denys Arcand's films and people seem to do OK with those.

[majoline]

I love that movie! It's AU Holmes, but fun. And the acting and budget really makes it shine unlike the B movies like that.

[nanila]

I went into it with expectations held at bay at swordpoint lest they immediately pollute my enjoyment. Turns out I didn't need to.

[sunflowerinrain]

I adored it, in spite of prior reservations about an 'merican taking over from dear Basil and Jeremy and an assumption that Jude Law could only act robots. They were both excellent, and so were Rachel McAdams and Mark Strong. I am much looking forward to the sequel.

Have you seen Young Sherlock Holmes (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Young_Sherlock_Holmes)? Cheesy in the extreme. This film cleverly echoed that plot until suddenly revealing it as complete tosh of the thoroughly unscientific variety, run as a scam.

Elementary etc wasn't in the stories. Apparently it was a line from a series of films made in USA.

[rmc28]

Oooh, I loved Young Sherlock Holmes. Must track it down and watch it again :-)

[nanila]

I haven't seen Young Sherlock Holmes. It appears, however, to be very cheap on Amazon, so have added it to the wish list for a rainy day.

Holmes did actually say, "It was elementary," in one of the stories - can't recall which - in response to Watson. I like the terse version, although it's slightly more arrogant (see: Americanization. ;D).