Things I'm Looking Forward To Doing Now That I'm British: Number Six

(Carrying on now that I'm almost settled back into a normal routine...)

6. Using “doing nothing in a pointed manner” as a legitimate form of protest. This may be indistinguishable from apathy on the outside, but inside, oh, it is not.

For instance, you are in a restaurant. The service is terrible. The food is inedible. You do not send it back. You make no remark upon the subject to the manager or to your companions. You pay your bill and you walk out. And you spend the rest of the evening simultaneously seething and feeling superior because you have been unspeakably, killingly, immovably polite.

The Adventure of Humuhumu and the Doggies

The bloke and I have spoken many times about potentially acquiring a canine addition to our household. After our recent visit to the Seattle-based diaspora of his family, we conclude that Humuhumu’s vote on the matter would be an unequivocal “yes”.

Poor Telstar is another matter, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

In the meantime, I present Humuhumu with Boris the big floppy former stray and Eve the skittish sled dog.


Boris-based mobility assistance.

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Tonight Humuhumu receives her “report card” at the parents’ evening at the nursery. I’m sure she will score perfect tens on Dribbling, Peek-a-boo and Deathgripping Stuff She’s Not Supposed To Have.

Things I'm Looking Forward To Doing Now That I'm British: Number Seven

7. Allowing my weather-related sartorial choices to dictate the course of my day within five minutes of leaving the house. Because of the essentially British hyperawareness of the state of the skies, we (We! I get to say we!) pride ourselves on correctly judging the weight of our coats, the rain resistance of our footwear, the thickness of our leggings and the need (or not) for accessories, e.g. scarf/gloves/hat/earmuffs. When we step outside and begin our journey from home to destination, we know very quickly whether or not we’ve chosen well.

If we get it wrong, we spend the rest of the day bemoaning - either internally or aloud - our mistakes. If we get it right, we may add a layer of smugness to our demeanours.

Additional smugness points may be awarded for planning adequately for a change in the weather, e.g. by layering, bringing an umbrella or stuffing a jumper in our rucksacks, when that change takes place exactly as predicted.