Day 90/183: Local Voters’ Pamphlet, such fun

[nanila]

It’s that time again! Yes, the time when [my USian state] sends out its election materials and paper ballots to postal voters, for the primary elections taking place in August. I love the voter pamphlet and read it avidly from cover to cover, even for the districts I'm not eligible to vote in, because every chancer under the sun has popped their head up to run for office. Since “state candidate statements are printed exactly as submitted to the [redacted] State Secretary of State’s Office,” without censorship, correction, verification or editing, some of their statements are A M A Z I N G. Not the established politicians’ ones, of course, those are formulaic and boring. But the chancers are great. And bonkers.

Here is a selection of my favourite offerings.

The "Setting the bar low" award

Community Service: I've never been to jail.

The "I wanted to laugh at the rest of this but it turned out to be fucking tragic" award

Community Service: Despite personal problems, I have managed to avoid going to Court, except for driving without insurance. To be fair, I was living in the car at the time…

The "Hard pass based on the fewest words" award

Statement: Stop [City] / King Fascism with idiotic face!

This was repeated for several paragraphs, with an exhortation to “vote Trump” at the end. NOPE.

The "Really has it in for the rodents, wtf" award

Statement: De-list the pocket gopher, it’s not endangered. End this pocket gopher nonsense.

There’s pocket gopher nonsense going on? Do tell. Sadly, they don’t elaborate.

The "5G conspiracy" award

Statement: If elected, I will direct an independent, state-funded study of the effects of 5G cell-phone towers upon living things. My research indicates that this radiation is killing trees, birds, honey bees, human life.

This person is also against a load of stuff: chemtrails, bio-mass use for electricity, wind power, solar power, coal trains, eugenics, Satan, off-shore drilling...and the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. It’s unclear what they’d do about any of it other than vigorously opposing it, though. I’d particularly like to know what they plan to do to fight Satan whilst in office. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The "This started out OK if a little extreme, AND THEN" award

Statement [no other information was submitted]: I am running as a spokesperson for the anti-apartheid / reparations-now movement. My issues and solutions: 1) Raise awareness that [redacted] State is Native American land, and should be returned. Colonialism is no longer acceptable. 2) The current Governor’s biggest mistake is turning [City’s] building over to proven historial Negro vampire criminals.

I don’t expect to see any of these candidate statements in the November election, but if they do appear on the ballot then things have got even worse than I imagined. USian readers, do you have any choice tidbits from your state voter pamphlets? Please share them in the comments if you do!

Comments

[annofowlshire]

Ah! I got my overseas ballot yesterday as well. I think we’re registered in the same state, but not necessarily the same county. I’ll have to rip it open and see what mine says XD

[cmcmck]

Fairly standard stuff then? :o)

[liseuse]

Well, I'm definitely intrigued by the "proven historical Negro vampire criminals" if only because it sounds like the subplot to a bad teen drama from the 90s. I also like the hotch-potch nature of the things that 5G person is against.

[fauxklore]

I feel deprived. Virginia doesn’t send out pamphlets so we have to go on-line and seek out statements from, say, our Whig party candidate.

[semianonymous]

turning [City’s] building over to proven historial Negro vampire criminals.

Wait, does this guy think Blade was a documentary?

[siliconshaman]

I have to ask.. is that level of crazy indicative of the population in general, or does the lure of office just draw them out of the woodwork?!

[redbird]

I have no choice tidbits handy, but you might enjoy Naomi Kritzer's election blogging, both the very local stuff (like Soil and Water Commissioner and local board of education) and then out from there to mayor, congress, and presidential primaries.

Naomi's write-up of the thirty-five (35) candidates for mayor of Minneapolis several years ago was impressive: it seemed clear that at least a few of them thought it was worth the $25 filing fee to get a little bit of attention for their views.

When I lived in Washington, the voter pamphlet featured perennial candidate Goodspaceguy, whose platform at one point was that King County should build a spaceport. Not the state as a whole -- though 47° north is not where I'd put one -- but the county.

[legionseagle]

I have to say, that turning a civic building over to proven historic vampire criminals of any race seems to be quite a big mistake.

a little bit of dystopia

[ursula]

I think some of those candidates are answering the question, "Have you ever been sentenced to do community service?"

[sara]

I can explain the pocket gopher thing sometime if you want. The short version is, the pocket gopher really is endangered but also the county's implementation has been terrible. Assuming it's the same county and the same gophers.

[omnipotent]

The "never been to jail" reminds me of Chris Rock's standup. NSFW: language

"'I ain't never been to jail!' Whatchu want, a cookie? You not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-havin' motherfucka!"

It's sad that this special is almost 25 years old and still relevant

Negro vampire criminals

See, this shit right here is why minorities collectively can't get nowhere. We too busy pointing fingers at each other instead of realizing that together we'd get a lot more done.

[azurelunatic]

I am looking forward to the arrival of the book. I have an entire pack of highlighters.

[silveradept]

This sounds like a lot of people have been emboldened by the result of the last election into thinking they, too, can ride a wave of the causes of the last election into office. I'd like to say they're wrong philosophically, but it's more likely that they're wrong practically, and with sufficient funds and propaganda arms, they, too, might achieve electability.