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Day 219/365: The Future
The Future Is Fantastic and Wonderful and Technology Makes Everything 1000000x Better
The proof: Our car. There is nothing I don’t love about this thing. I get it, start it up, and it detects my phone and start playing my music from Spotify. I brake, and it’s like, “Stupid human with your slow reflexes. Get out the way, I’ll handle this. Stopping NOW.” I press the accelerator and it’s like, “AHOY! YES! WE GO!” Even with all that power, it’s quiet, not smelly, and gets an outrageous number of miles out of a full tank of petrol. Claudia: you are the reason I no longer hate driving. I hope you last at least eight years, and after that, I promise we will replace you with an even more amazingly autonomous version of you.
The Future Is Terrible and We’re All Going To Die Alone Upside Down on the Floor of a Pub Toilet
The proof: Music. I was in the changing room at the gym and they were playing the usual pop du jour. I normally block it out, but today for some reason I started listening to it.
The lyrics went as follows: “I swipe right ‘cause I see just what I like/Baby, I tap twice for you/Cause we're living in a new age/It's called digital”, etc. And because the changing room was empty I shouted, ”Oh my god it’s a song about Tinder and I hate it and that means I’m OLD.”
My only comfort is that that song is not going to age well.
The proof: Our car. There is nothing I don’t love about this thing. I get it, start it up, and it detects my phone and start playing my music from Spotify. I brake, and it’s like, “Stupid human with your slow reflexes. Get out the way, I’ll handle this. Stopping NOW.” I press the accelerator and it’s like, “AHOY! YES! WE GO!” Even with all that power, it’s quiet, not smelly, and gets an outrageous number of miles out of a full tank of petrol. Claudia: you are the reason I no longer hate driving. I hope you last at least eight years, and after that, I promise we will replace you with an even more amazingly autonomous version of you.
The Future Is Terrible and We’re All Going To Die Alone Upside Down on the Floor of a Pub Toilet
The proof: Music. I was in the changing room at the gym and they were playing the usual pop du jour. I normally block it out, but today for some reason I started listening to it.
The lyrics went as follows: “I swipe right ‘cause I see just what I like/Baby, I tap twice for you/Cause we're living in a new age/It's called digital”, etc. And because the changing room was empty I shouted, ”Oh my god it’s a song about Tinder and I hate it and that means I’m OLD.”
My only comfort is that that song is not going to age well.