Sauntering Vaguely Downward

This is a Zero Centurion Elite flight case. It was used to transport the Flight Model (FM) harness assembly for Cassini’s magnetometer to NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory back in the 1990s. It has a three-numeral combination lock embedded into it. The last time this combination was opened was at least four years ago. I watched my then-boss, Steve (now retired), open the lock, show me the case internals, and then lock it again.

I remember chuckling at the combination.


(Not the combination).

You can see where this is going, I assume.

I was supposed to “deal with” the case some time ago, but other things kept taking priority. Then I left the lab. Then Covid happened.

Finally I made my recent trip down to the lab. I extracted the case from beneath the pile of stuff that had accumulated on top of it. I looked at the combination lock. I tried the obvious combinations (000, 123, 666, etc). Did any of those work? Of course not.

Here is a list of other things that didn’t work.

• Swearing
• Talking through the scenario four years ago with my ex-boss in the hopes of jogging my memory
• Wiggling a screwdriver in the gap between the lid and the body of the case whilst trying random combinations
• Wiggling a screwdriver in the gap between the lid and the body of the case whilst methodically going through every possible combination of three-digit numbers
• Drinking wine
• Watching YouTube videos about picking combination locks on suitcases and trying to hear or feel the difference in the clicks between numbers
• Discovering that three of the numbers (6,6, and 6) had black lines drawn under them, presumably to remind everyone of the combination (PS I KNEW IT)
• Drinking gin
• Applying graphite to the rotating number wheels
• Applying whisky to the humans
• Trying 666 with the screwdriver trick while swearing and wiggling a screwdriver in the gap
• Trawling the internet for clues about how to pick Zero Centurion (which later became Halliburton) locks, finding many blog posts about how to reset it from the inside if you already know the combination
• Giving it a firm whack

Here is what did work.

• This blog post, dug up by friend-who-is-not-in-the-journalsphere-any-more whose Google-fu is mightiest
• Following its instructions and tapping out the hinge pin with a small punch and a hammer, then extracting it with pliers

PS It is empty apart from foam padding but I didn't fancy taking it to the post office and, upon being asked what was inside, answering "I don't know!"

Allow me to share with you the tremendous respect with which our furry overlord is treating this momentous occasion.

"Telstar, the decade is ending tonight!"
Telstar:

In which I envisage using contemporary CBeebies shows for sexual orientation and gender identity educational purposes. Honestly, I kind of wish they would.

Octonauts
Episode in which Shellington, aka the walking encyclopedia, comes out as non-binary.
Kwazii: “Shiver me whiskers! Who knew you could be a boy AND a girl at the same time?”
Tweak, biting meaningfully into a carrot: “Duh, Kwazii.”

Charlie & Lola
Episode in which Lola decides to be a boy.
At the end, Charlie reprises the intro: “This is my little brother Lola. He’s small, and very funny.”

Bing
Episode in which Bing discovers his feelings for Pando are different from his feelings for Sula or Cocoa.
Flop: “Queer love: It’s a Bing thing.”

Clangers
Episode in which it is revealed that Clangers are sexually undifferentiated and reproduce via parthenogenesis.
Narrator: “Somewhere, out there in the vastness of space, there is a species whose stories have resisted being shoehorned into heteronormative human expressions of family life. Up until now, this wasn’t one of them.”

Anecdote 1: Today I've had the ultimate "living in the countryside" experience.

I had to stop the car in the middle of the road.

To move a giant turnip.

Sadly there are no photos of this momentous occasion, as the event resulted in the countryside version of a traffic jam (two cars behind me, one car on the approach). So the poor turnip was hastily consigned to the hedgerow and I got back into the car.

It also demonstrated to me that I still think like a city person, for I automatically clocked the thing in the road as rubbish and chucked it away, rather than thinking, free comedy oversized vegetable == soup for days, and placing it reverently in my car.

Anecdote 2: Anecdote 2 is behind the cut (  because talk of ladybit gorezone )

Exhibit (A): The baby-changing room at the Bullring shopping centre in Birmingham. It is nice and clean and very orange. It also has a spinning disco ball above the changing table. Which, apart from actually being rather good at keeping baby mesmerised, is just so very Brummie. (Shiny metal sign reads: "In the interest of safety, please do not leave your child unattended on the changing facility".)



Exhibit (B): British Waterways public notice on a bridge over the canal.



I consider this worthy of a full transcription [parenthesised comments by me]. It reads: "British Waterways Board*: The waterways are meant to be used and enjoyed by the public. It is an offence to:

• Waste water by interfering with locks and sluices [Fair enough]
  
• Ride a bicycle or bring a vehicle on the towing path without a permit [A vehicle I can understand, but I wonder how many cyclists know they're supposed to have a permit! And where exactly to obtain one?]
  
• Obstruct the towing path
  
• Damage the canal or towing path
  
• Interfere with boats
  
• Leave litter [Hollow laughter. Also, someone please tell that to the people who put their dogs' poo in plastic bags and then hang the bags from the hedgerows. Speaking as one of the people who cares for a section of hedgerow next to her back garden: NO. NO NO NO. You have taken a problem - people leaving their dogs' poo in public places - and made it worse by rendering it immune to the process of decomposition. I DO NOT LIKE YOU.]
  
• Pollute the canal [More hollow laughter. And please tell it to the people I see using sticks to flick their dogs' poo into the canal instead of bagging it up and taking it away like decent responsible dog-owning human beings.]
  
• Fire guns or throw stones [I don't want to meet the person who would go duck-hunting with their shotgun on the canal.]
  
• Ride a horse on the towing path (unless it is a designated bridleway) [I've walked a fair few miles of the towpath and have yet to encounter any sections that are bridleways.]
  
• Bathe in the canal [WHAT DEAR LORD NO]
  
• Fail to obtain or display an appropriate licence or river registration on craft navigating the waterway"

* Now the Canal and River Trust