Marco and I were talking last night, and he used a phrase for certain women that he wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole; to wit, "She pegs my bitchdar." Naturally, we spent the next half an hour trying to come up with a representative for the maximum possible bitchdar rating using, of course, celebrities.

The Contestants
Contestant #1: Angelina Jolie

Ms Jolie can be quite terrifying. Her presence onscreen is fairly overwhelming, and I'm not talking about Lara Croft's boobies, here. Okay, maybe a little bit. She's not exactly what one would call reticent during interviews, and gems like the following are standard. "You're young, you're drunk, you're in bed, you have knives; shit happens." She was disqualified on the grounds that she does "Sultry Nympho Lunatic" much better than "Bitch."

NEXT!

Contestant # 2: Jennifer Lopez

J-Lo is a bitch, there's no question about that. Primadonna, attention whore, costly to maintain, she has it all. Well, almost. There's one critical thing lacking. She's dumb. Do you see even the faintest glimmer of intelligence in those eyes? And then there's, "I was always a singer and a dancer, and I always wanted to be an actress. For me, it's all just one thing." Well, I suppose that's true, assuming you aren't any good at all of them. Disqualified on the grounds that she's too goddamn stupid to be the Ultimate Bitch.

NEXT!

Contestant # 3: Martha Stewart

This was a tough one. She almost won. She's smart, she's efficient, she's a control freak. One can see her beating a kitchen minion for the slightest offense. You have no idea, in this picture, whether she's about to burst into tears, or laugh, or possibly stab someone. In the end, it's this unpredictability that was her undoing. She made a valiant effort, with her obsessive micromanagment, but she just couldn't quite top the winner. Her bitchiness is diluted and confused by her psychotic elements.

( And the winner is... )